You probably spend more time in your marriage wondering why your wife won’t have sex with you than you actually spend having sex. If you want to have more sex with your wife, you need to understand the reasons why she doesn’t feel like having sex.
Most women need to feel emotionally connected to their partners to feel sexually attracted to them. Men typically reconnect emotionally by having sex. This creates problems for married couples. If you want to connect with your wife physically, first try connecting with her emotionally. Ask her about her day. Cuddle without an agenda. Listen to her problems without trying to fix them. You may have more sex with your wife if you spend more time engaging with her on other levels.
In long-term relationships, we can sometimes forget to express our love for one another. You might also speak a different love language than your wife. Keep in mind the things that make her feel loved–is it when you spontaneously pick up around the house, do a load of laundry (and fold it and put it away!), or vacuum? Maybe bring her flowers once in a while–just because, not because you need to apologize for something you did wrong. Definitely do that thing she’s been asking you to do for the last month. Making her feel loved in other ways will make her want to have more sex with you to show you how she loves you.
If you have kids, you may find yourself wondering what your wife does all day while you’re at work. Even if you appreciate all the things your wife does for you and around the house, you may forget to tell her. Make an effort to validate the work she does around the house. Be specific. Try telling her how much you appreciate the way she greets you with a cup of coffee every morning. Although specificity is better, even a generic “thanks for everything you do around here” might work.
If you asked your wife to make a list of all of the things she does every day, you’d be exhausted just reading it. Women are often too tired to have sex. The truth is, no matter how much a husband helps out, women carry an invisible workload that drags them down. Instead of asking “what can I do?”, take ownership of the things she asks you to do so that she never has to ask you about them again. Mow the lawn. Take out the garbage. Clean the toilet. When toilet paper is running low, add it to the grocery list or buy it the next time you stop at the store. Your wife will thank you for crossing even a few things off her invisible to do list.
If, on the other hand, your wife is the only one who notices when the toilet paper is running low, you’re out of diapers for the baby, or have no milk in the fridge, chances are you aren’t carrying your weight around the house. A true partnership means both people carry equal loads in household and family duties. If your partnership has broken down, not only will your wife not feel like having sex, she probably won’t feel much like talking about it either. If you want to repair your partnership, make an appointment so I can help you understand what your wife needs. Or come in together and we can talk about how you and your wife can reconnect – Lisa Ryan LPC – 203-226-8800.