The behavior of the single married man is easy to identify. He acts like a family man, through and through, when he is home. He genuinely considers himself the ideal husband and father. He often travels quite a bit for work-related purposes, and makes unilateral decisions multiple times a day. Sometimes the single married man doesn’t even travel extensively; long hours away from home every day often determine his single-minded behaviors.

Lifestyles of the Single and Married Man

Single people make their own decisions without conferring with a spouse or significant other. Their choices do not impact anyone other than themselves. They may have dinner at midnight. They may read until the wee hours of the morning with all the lights on. They enjoy complete liberty in making unilateral decisions. They are good people, considerate people. They take others into account, of course, but at the end of the day, they decide alone. No conference. No discussion. No joint decision-making. When you are single and unattached, you have freedom. But it can be lonely.

Married people, on the other hand, discuss virtually everything. Sometimes they even have to pre-plan who is going to shower first. Married people confer, collaborate and compromise. Sometimes they take turns. Often times, they defer to each other’s preferences or skill sets. But make no mistake, decisions are made by committee – at least in a strong and healthy relationship. Making two people happy at the same time can be a challenge. What music gets played in the car? Which shade of paint will be perfect for the guest bedroom? Will it be Indian take-out or the French Bistro around the corner for dinner tonight? When you are married, you have less liberty. In exchange, you have a partner who will be by your side for life.

On the Road

Traveling can be a lonely and solitary existence, and that includes the silent warriors who suffer the daily commute on the train in the tri-state area. Making a living on the road, and being in a position that keeps a person away from home until 9 pm, has the same affect. A person can get so used to making decisions unilaterally when he is alone that he does not know he continues to make decisions, on his own, when he is at home. It’s a completely benign and understandable condition, but it creates havoc at home. I hear stories of men changing the channel without noticing that their wife is in the middle of a show. Women will get so upset when their husband makes himself a sandwich without asking her if she would like one. Because she spends her day thinking as a couple or a family, she grows resentful. She considers him selfish and thoughtless. In actuality, he is simply thinking and behaving like a single married man.

This behavior is not, however, always benign. We have all heard stories of men who have had two families, and no one ever knew. Charles Kuralt of CBS News Sunday Morning, was known for his weekly segment On the Road. Upon his death it was learned that he had a second secret family for decades. Well, he never struck me as a player. He was a very nice man. What he also was, however, was a single married man. He spent so many years on the road feeling single that he believed he had the right to decide, unilaterally, to keep a secret life.

Difficult To Convince

Here’s the problem. The single married man really thinks he is behaving exactly like a traditional married man does. He has no idea he makes decisions in his own head without discussing them with his partner. He is unaware how other married men discuss things with their spouses, and he insists he is the model husband. In truth, a man can’t unilaterally know if he is a good husband. Only his wife knows the answer to that question. It is also a unilateral decision for a man to decide, on his wife’s behalf, the quality of partner he is. He cannot just make a decision on how she experiences him.

The Obvious Problem

It is not easy being married to a single married man. Wives don’t want even one part of their husband thinking as a single man. They feel subjugated and erased, and they feel taken for granted. It is difficult for a woman, who has been at home trying to co-parent and co-decide things through texting, to understand why her husband cannot automatically do the same thing. But I understand it, and I know that it is fixable once it is fully explained.

If you are a single married man, or if you think you are married to one, make an appointment today – 203-226-8800.