Most women think that what the average man is looking for today in a female partner depends on how old he is, maybe his upbringing, and perhaps even his level of education. 

Nope. Not even close.

I see tons of people, from millennials, straight through to baby boomers. From all backgrounds and levels of education. And it amazes me that all men are still pretty much looking for the same qualities in their partners as their father’s did. 

Times change, and yet things still the same!

Below are the 6 things that men seek most in a lifetime mate.

1. Constancy

As the old joke goes, women think they can change a man once they’ve married him, and men think that the woman they marry will never change! 

Except it’s not a joke, folks! Women really think that, and so do men. 

Men really want to find themselves married, even after 30 years, to the woman she was originally. So do your best to be your most genuine self at the time you get married. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself married to a person who thinks you’ve become a complete stranger! And you might not recognize him very much either!

2. Humor

If it were up to me, I would put this first. Both men and women tell me how critical it is to maintain their sense of humor with each other. It is so important to laugh at the same stuff throughout life. 

Let’s face it, the lifespan of your marriage can have its share of challenges. It is so much easier when you have a sense of humor to keep things in perspective, or at least to find the positive things in your life when times get tough.

3. Pride in Personal Care

I get this one. In fact I’m guilty of it as well. Multiple times in my life I have packed on a few too many pounds and I always work very hard to keep them off. 

Men, far more than women, complain that their spouse has put on so much weight that they just don’t find them sexually desirable anymore. It’s almost like they feel tricked or fooled.

Oftentimes, women are offended that their husbands don’t desire them, regardless of what size they are. 

But if a man did not take pride in his appearance regarding his weight, or hygiene, or how he dressed, you might feel differently about him too. 

4. Softness

I have brought this up in the past and it has sparked a lot of interesting conversation, and sometimes sparks! It is not that men tell me that they are looking for someone weak, or compliant, or submissive. At least I don’t think they are! That is NOT what men think of when they describe what softness in a woman means to them. To the contrary. 

Men are seeking women who don’t hate men. 

That always surprises me because I don’t know a lot of women who hate men. But so many men I speak with perceive women that way. Who are these men talking with and where are they finding these women?

5. Brain Power

It may surprise you because men clearly still like to have veto power, but men really appreciate smart women. I suppose when you consider the alternative, you can see their point. Men like to have conversations with women who have well-informed opinions. They like to converse with a woman who doesn’t feel challenged by a spirited debate, and can readily agree to disagree. 

To be fair, there are realms in both the lives of men and women in which they believe they should carry veto power. And smart people in a committed relationship recognize when one has the edge, and defers to their deeper knowledge on a given subject. They even feel lucky to be partnered with someone with a unique skill set. 

Perhaps you carry veto power in particular categories of your lives together. I think it all comes down to who is more skilled and knowledgeable in one arena versus another.

Regardless of which arena you’re in, or who has veto power, or when you mostly make co-decisions, brains are extremely desirable to men.

6. Femininity

Last, but certainly not least, men love women who carry an unmistakable aura of being female. And they don’t mean delicate or fragile. Though they like to get their way, we all do, most men want a strong woman who’s comfortable with her own gender.

Men tell me that women who are comfortable being female have no need to act like a man in order to be taken seriously. 

They don’t ever see being female as a disadvantage.

They also mean sensual. I totally understand that. Some of the most powerful people I know are extremely comfortable with their female gender. They emote female. And they are brilliant. And they are power packed. 

FYI – Many women I speak with long for a man who they define as masculine. 

Nothing is more magnetic or charismatic to a man than a sweat-soaked woman crossing the finish line of a 10K, or getting her Masters degree in engineering (or Fine Arts), or standing up with confidence at a Town Hall meeting with a matter that’s important to her.

So just be you. You’re SO much more than good enough.

Lisa Ryan, LPC
Lisa Ryan, LPC
Relationship Expert - Infidelity Specialist - Guest Speaker ~ Loves the big blue sea, homely dogs, the unvarnished truth, and making people feel better. As an Infidelity Specialist in CT since 2002, Lisa continues to retain fairness, an enormous empathy for all clients and a desire to forge a positive outcome, with a commitment that matches that of the clients themselves. She helps couples rebuild their relationships after the discovery of an extramarital affair, a secret relationship or a technology addiction that breaches trust. She guides her clients through a 5-pronged solution-driven plan, designed by her, which has a success rate near 95%. Clients attribute their achievement to Lisa’s non-judgmental approach and genuine understanding of the unique anguish experienced by both parties when trust has been broken.

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