We’ve all been there. We’ve all found ourselves looking at our boyfriend or husband knowing full well that he’s not the right guy for us. Yet we try to make the best of it. We hope things will change. We hope HE will change. We hope WE will change.
Maybe not. Probably not.
So here are 10 clues that he’s a bad fit for you, and that you need to do something in order to get out of a situation that may only get worse.
In my private practice I always recognize couples who are a really a good fit for each other, because I see that each is loved by the other for the very same reasons they love themselves. So if you’re really great at art and design, and your boyfriend thinks you’re not, he’s probably not right for you. That means he’s criticizing you rather than supporting you.
In fact, he’s probably a pretty lousy fit for you if he thinks art and design, itself, is unimportant. So think about those things about yourself that you wouldn’t give up for anything in the world, and ask yourself if he loves those very same things about you as well.
This is a big deal. If your friends don’t like him now, they’re going to like him even less a year from now. That means that you will be invited, less and less, to the homes of your coupled friends because they won’t put up with him, regardless of how much they enjoy being with you. Most friends will eventually just opt for meeting you for lunch, and you’ll be stuck alone with him on weekends. No one else will deal with him.
Most men love the remote control. I’m not talking about that. I have no problem with you having to watch a football game with him from time to time. That’s normal! But does he behave as agreeably for you? Does he cheerfully go to the latest romantic comedy because you’re dying to see it? Or does he tell you it’s a stupid movie and he’d rather watch something else. Controlling men aren’t very good at compromise or taking turns. That’s a really big clue he’s not a good fit for you.
He’s not right for you if he doesn’t show the same respect to your family that he shows to his own. If you’re always going to his mother’s for dinner, and he tells you your mother is impossible, that means he doesn’t respect you. He’s entitled not to like your father but he is NOT entitled to de-select your family from your life together. Not a good sign.
If your husband doesn’t like any of your friends or is always talking about them in a negative way, he might be jealous of your time with them, and he might be competing with them for your attention. A man who wants you all to himself is a Big Red Flag that it’s eventually going to be his way or no way at all.
If he’s too busy to help you when you have a flat tire, but expects you to get up and grab him a snack when you are both watching a tv show, I think there’s a better man out there for you. You deserve to be loved by a man who will drop everything for you when you’re in a jam. Wouldn’t you do the same thing for him? Only a selfish and uncaring man would not show up for you in times of crisis. A loving man would WANT to be there for you, even if you don’t need any assistance. It’s about emotional support. And it’s about being with a man who wants to give you his emotional support.
If you find yourself choosing your words carefully to avoid triggering him, it could mean that you are purposefully being controlled by his outbursts of anger. If he is the right guy for you, you should feel perfectly safe expressing your opinions, knowing full well he sees things differently, without having any concern, or even fear, that he’s going to lose it.
Lots of people in healthy relationships enjoy different hobbies and interests. But if you eventually notice that you don’t enjoy many of the same things, most of the same people, and any of the same ideas, then it’s time to create common interests. If he refuses to open his mind to a new idea, and further insists that you join him only in what interests him, then he’s just not the right man for you.
Life gets hard sometimes, and it is at those moments when lightheartedness will get you through. If you don’t share the same kind of humor, and if you can’t remember laughing at the same time, wholeheartedly, then you may rethink investing any more time in him. Life is too short to be not to be able to laugh till you cry with the man of your dreams.
If he’s the right fit for you, you should be able to think of him as your very best friend. Your soulmate. Your lover. You should be able to feel reasonably assured that he would never share anything personal about you or your relationship with others. There’s nothing worse or more embarrassing to hear one of your stories told aloud, halfway down the the other end of the table, that makes your shared secret the butt of a joke, told in very bad taste, just so he can get a cheap laugh at your expense.
Women only want to make love to the man they love most in their lives when they have a strong emotional connection. I placed this critical component last for a reason. A woman, maybe you, will feel the emotional connection is broken if you find yourself: coupled or married to a man who breaks your trust; have a certain amount of fear that his anger will be triggered, that he’s jealous and controlling, who doesn’t mix well with your friends and family; and who’s not your very best friend.
There are certainly things you can do to improve your relationship. If your husband or boyfriend is open to listening to you and is welcome to change, you may have a bright future together. Give him a chance. See what he says.
If not, he’s probably not right for you.