If you have been betrayed by the person you love, there are five infidelity recovery mistakes that you can choose NOT to do that will make your life a lot less painful. I know that some of what I suggest may be difficult, but in the end, you might be grateful you followed my advise. Try your best not to make the most common 5 infidelity recovery mistakes-read more to learn how.
First, please understand that details are harmful; details make recovery take longer. Those clients that have the most difficult time getting over an affair are those who discover the act of unfaithfulness by discovering a picture. That is because an image becomes imprinting in your mind, and it makes it that much harder to dislodge. When you ask for a lot of details, you are actually collecting the puzzle pieces of a mental image. It is in your best interest to stay away from anything specific that will create a snapshot in your head. Avoiding details is number one in the 5 infidelity recovery mistakes.
Details have ruined restaurants and vacation spots for couples; I have one client in my private practice in Westport, CT, who refuses to go to the state of Florida because her husband once met a woman there. Another client’s children wanted to go to Atlantis and she said no; her husband took his girlfriend there.
Personally, I would not be willing to give up an entire state or island vacation because of some woman with very poor judgment. I just think more of myself. I suggest you write over the bad memory, with your spouse by your side, and create better ones.
Healing takes time, and healing takes honesty. Consistent honesty. And it takes patience. You are not going to recover fully if you continuously find out new pieces of information that were not disclosed immediately upon the discovery. Get the minimum amount of key information you need, express appreciation to your spouse for his or her candor and courage, and begin slowly. Infidelity recovery doesn’t happen overnight.
The length of time it takes you to heal is entirely up to you. Betrayal hurts. You may feel like you’re married to a stranger right now. Infidelity recovery takes time. Often times, the person who was unfaithful becomes impatient that you’re not back to yourself right away. Your recovery is up to you; it’s not up to your spouse. Everyone is different; every situation is different. Don’t be pushed into pretending that you’re over it when you’re not.
Be careful who you tell. What happened is a private matter. As close as you might be to your parents, they are the absolute worst choice when you need love and comfort under these circumstances. People who love you most will also have the longest memories. One day you may be well past your spouse’s betrayal, and the last thing you need is for your mother or next-door neighbor to keep telling you that you were a fool to give him or her a second chance. You want your mother and father to love your spouse, but come Thanksgiving, there will be an unmistakeable chill.
Be smart. Choose to talk with a non-judgmental and trustworthy friend whom you don’t see all that often. Of the 5 infidelity recovery mistakes, it is very common to share your feelings with someone else other than the person who betrayed you. Consider talking about your feelings with the person who let you down; he or she was likely your best friend at one time.
You are going to be asking many of the same questions over and over again. It’s normal. Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, and don’t feel intimidated because you’re being redundant. You will have a hard time trying to focus on other things. Expect it, and be kind with yourself when you forget things or can’t complete the things you normally do. Your mind and body are in shock.
Schedule an hour or two a day to discuss what happened with your spouse. Feeling heard and getting all of your questions answered is essential to infidelity recovery. If you are continuously bringing the betrayal up, throughout every evening and weekend, you won’t be able to enjoy each other and rebuild something better and lasting. Give your relationship a chance. Schedule times to talk about it, without any other people around. But also allow time to just be together. If you are anxious you will forget to talk about something that is important, write it down for later. For other common mistakes, visit https://www.affairrecovery.com/20-most-common-mistakes-hurt-spouse.
If you are afraid you are not getting all your questions answered, or if you are feeling pushed to move forward too quickly, call and make an appointment with me. I can help. Call Lisa Ryan LPC, the Infidelity and Relationship Specialist in Westport, CT, for more about the 5 infidelity recovery mistakes at 203-226-8800.